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And Ill Never Have That Recipe Again Simpsons

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The Simpsons Season 11

Beyond Blunderdome [edit]

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him motion next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til nosotros were in the air to inquire me!
Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!
Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, correct?
(Trio drives upward to the dummy)
Milo: Hey, it's just a dummy.
Christian: I know just he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are dislocated) Permit's become.
Mel Gibson: So Homer, will you come to Hollywood with me?
Homer: You had me at hullo ("smiles")
Mel Gibson: I didn't say howdy.

(Crowd surrounds Mel Gibson)

Mel Gibson: Hullo, everybody.
Dr. Nick: Hi, Mr. Gibson!
(Marge, Bart, and Lisa are walking the streets of Hollywood)
Marge: Oh, wait, they're shooting a film! Robert Downey Jr.'s shooting it out with the police!
(Scene shows Robert Downey Jr. and police officers firing shots at each other)
Bart: (Looks around) I don't see any cameras...
(After the executive screening of Mel'south tearing remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)
Executive: You lot've desecrated a classic film! This is worse than Godfather III!
Mel Gibson: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, allow's non say things we can't have back.
Executive: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. Just this film is never going to see the light of day!

Blood brother'southward Footling Helper [edit]

Groundskeeper Willie: [talking to Skinner virtually Bart] Merely say the discussion, and I'll drive this hoe into his dorsum! [conversationally] I tin make it await similar suicide!
Mark McGwire: Immature Bart hither is correct. We are spying on you, pretty much effectually the clock.
Bart: Only why, Mr. McGwire?
Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?
Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!
[Burns observes Bart's tank binge through binoculars]
Burns: Smithers, we're at war!
Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.
Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!
Marge: I understand the electrodes, only why does he accept to be on a treadmill?
Pharm 1: Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fatty.
Marge: Oh.
Pharm 2: You lot said he was concerned almost satellites?
Marge: And their beams.
Pharm 2: Whatever other strange behavior?
Homer: He quit blinking. He says that's when they get yous.
Pharm ii: I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl grouping sometimes causes problems. [indicates molecular model]
Homer: And we trusted y'all! [strangles model]
Marge: I call up we should take him off the drug.
Pharm ane: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You tin't just go off Focusyn.
Pharm 2: But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.
Pharm 1: Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?
Pharm two: That'due south a peachy idea! [they osculation]

Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [edit]

Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson, and Homer in the machine on the manner to the Springfield Shopper
Milhouse: Hey, I know how we can take some fun. I spy, with my lilliputian heart, something starting time with "D."
Nelson: Dingus! [Nelson punches Milhouse on the head]
Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
Nelson: Eh, I'grand no hero. I only like to hit people on the caput.
Homer: Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.
Bart: Well, that'southward swell dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.
Homer: D'oh! (echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot)
(all arrive at the Springfield Shopper and Homer is property a balloon that says "Zoo")
Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percent of recycled newspaper.
Lisa: And what percent is that?
Paper editor: Naught.
(Lisa frowns)
Paper editor: Nada's a percent.
Homer: I scent cake! Block that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!
Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.
Bart: Oh, that's nil. He can hear pudding.
Homer: Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!
Bart: Yeah, at present if we tin can become someone to pay you for scratching your barrel, we'd be on Easy Street!
(Homer and Lisa are dining at a rotating eatery)
Lisa: The food is exquisite.
Homer: And the view is... (the restaurant rotates to evidence a h2o fountain) beautiful... (the eatery rotates to bear witness a church) inspirational....(the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma'southward flat, where the 2 are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front end of the TV) nauseating...(groans and passes out)
Critic #one: (to Homer) Everything'due south a rave. "Nine thumbs upwardly", what the hell is that?
Homer: The nutrient at the Aureate Truffle really ... What's a good word?
Maggie: (sucks on pacifier)
Homer: Sucks! That'south great! And the breadstuff was actually ... Come on, aid me out here!
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer: Rough? I don't know, yous've been pitching that all night.
Santa's Footling Helper: Chewy?
Homer: Chewy! That's inspired!
Luigi: Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! Truthful Story.
McAllister: Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.
Akira: And so, why did yous put yours in the window?
McAllister: Argh, it's covered up the 'D' from the wellness inspector.
Human: Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
Akira: No, that would exist boorish. I say nosotros impale him!
Izzy's Cafeteria Chef: Hold on a minute. Are we changing to murderers.
McAllister: Does that reply your question?
Akira: Nosotros'll kill him at the gustation of Springfield Festival. We'll make him swallow until he can eat no more. Then, he tin have simply dessert.
French Chef: This will exist Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.
Man: Come on, y'all're going to impale him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!
French Chef: This éclair is over one one thousand thousand calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per foursquare inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that low-cal cannot escape its surface. [The chefs reach for the motion picture] No, no, no! This is only a picture. Just Homer Simpson will detect the existent thing both delicious and deadly.
Akira: Ah, yep, Expiry by Chocolate.
French Chef: ...and poison, I'll stick in some poison. (Restaurant Owners Laughing Evilly)
Marge: Only your father can accept up a part-time job in a small town paper and end upward the target of international assassins.

Treehouse of Horror 10 [edit]

Lisa: [about the aliens' episode introduction] And then what do aliens have to practice on Halloween?
Maggie: [in Kang's voice] Silence!
Marge: It'southward incommunicable! I killed you!
Ned Flanders: [ Chuckles ] You can't kill the undead, silly.
Lisa: So y'all were going to kill usa!
Ned Flemish region: [ Chuckles ] Aye.
Prof. Frink: Yep, over here, n'hey, northward'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, withal in the very next scene, my dearest, you're conspicuously atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.
Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something similar that, a wizard did it.
Frink: I meet, all right, yes, merely in episode AG4 —
Lawless: Wizard.
Frink: [under jiff] Aw, for glaven out loud.
The Collector: Stop right there! I have here the but working phaser ever congenital; information technology was fired only once...to keep William Shatner from making some other anthology!
[The globe descends into anarchy due to Homer's negligence]
Homer: Oh, well. Those ivory tower eggheads take screwed us again.
[The Simpsons walk through Springfield as anarchy ensues]
Lisa: Well, wait at the wonders of the computer historic period now.
Homer: Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I recall that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied, Lisa? Or implode?
Lisa: Mom, make him stop.
Homer: [Trying to laissez passer himself off equally smart to allow himself onto the rocket to Mars] Surely, yous must know me! I'one thousand the piano genius from the movie Polish!
Rocket Security Guard: [Unconvinced] Uh-huh. And your name is...
Homer: Uh...Shiney McShine?
[Homer is looking effectually the spaceship]
Homer: Ooh! In that location's Ross Perot...Dr. Laura...Fasten Lee...
Bart: Wait, they're not that great.
Homer: Okay, there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love...Tonya Harding...Al Sharpton?
[Tom Arnold walks in]
Homer: AAH! Tom Arnold?!? What the hell'south going on?
Bart: Simply that ship's going to Mars. This 1's headed directly for the sun!
Tom Arnold: Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't keen, just I never tied people up and forced them to lookout man. And I could've, because I'm a large guy and I'1000 practiced with knots.
Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!
Homer: Oh, no. Rosie O'Donnell!

E-I-East-I-(Bellyaching Grunt) [edit]

Homer: Ooh, yous don't desire to get Zorro mad. [accidentally pours hot butter on Marge's thigh]
Marge: You're pouring hot butter on my leg!
(after information technology'south been decided that the family will live on Grampa'south sometime farm)
Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!
Lisa: I'll weed the floor!
Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a simulated grin on her confront)
(Homer is offer tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Master Clancy Wiggum)
Homer: Endeavour some, won't you?
Master Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offer you lot a care for!
Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!
Chief Wiggum: (does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes similar Grandma!
Ralph Wiggum: I want more than! (Starts devouring more tomacco)
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me also; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, but give 'em to me. (Joins his son)
Homer: (chuckles)

Howdy Gutter, Hello Fadder [edit]

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing upwardly every bit a Teletubby)
Homer: (in babe talk) Wait, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly) And I'thou all man in case you heard otherwise!
Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?
Homer: I think I know what they're doing here Lisa. They did information technology to Jesus, and at present they're doing information technology to me.
Marge: Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?!
Homer: Well, in bowling ability.
([Homer is concentrating hard on bowling a perfect 300 game])
Lenny: Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!
Homer: Lenny!
Lenny: What?! I paid $vii.10 for this split up!
Carl: Will you lot at least call it a banana split you dumbwad!
Lenny: Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--
(Is cutting off by Homer throwing a bowling ball at his stomach.)

Eight Misbehavin' [edit]

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)
Apu: Hither goes nothing.
Apu and Manjula: (every bit symbols appear on the tester) Infant... baby... lemon.
Manjula: All that sexual practice for nothing.
Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.
(Apu is comatose with the babies)
Manjula: Apu, it'southward 4 am. You lot're late for work.
Apu: Oh. I just had the nearly cute dream where I died.
Manjula: Oh no you lot don't! Not til they're out of college.
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!
Ned Flanders: [Subsequently Apu complains about his babies] Well, they can exist a handful...of joy!
Apu: Shut upward!
Flanders: They tin make full your life with-
Apu: Shut up!
Flemish region: Can't put a cost on a miracle!
Apu: I tin can't believe you won't close up!
Larry Kidkill: Listen, how would yous like to come with me?
Apu: Okay.
Manjula: Wait, you don't even know who he is!
Apu: Who cares? There's simply one of him!

Take My Wife, Sleaze [edit]

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satan'due south comes to order.
Flemish region: I motion that we reconsider our club proper name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. Afterward all nosotros don't want to get to hell.
Lenny: How near the Devil'south Pals.
Flanders: No, see-
Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!
Flanders: The Christ Pu... I don't recollect you empathise my objections.
Meathook: (to Homer) There'due south simply ane reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circumvolve of death.
Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of decease.

Grift of the Magi [edit]

Bart and Milhouse: Sisters are doing it for themselves!
Homer: Hey! Why is this door locked?
Bart: Oh no, it's Dad! [Bart falls out of the bed, landing on a bowling ball on the floor]
Homer: [screams] What'south going on?! [shaking his fist] And I want the not-gay explanation!
Milhouse: Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk.
Homer: Oh, give thanks God!
Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."
Fat Tony: I don't go mad, I get stabby.
Principal Skinner: This is a proud twenty-four hours. Now when people ask if nosotros're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I tin say, nosotros are closer than always before!
Ralph: Hello, I'm MdStupid! I'm going to accept out your liver bones.[decapitates the Mr.Burns dummy] Oops, you're dead!
Mr.Burns: I never liked that Dr.Stupid.
Ralph: Fun toys are fun!
Instructor: Well said, Ralph, merely we're trying to come up with a name for a toy?
Janey Powell: Mrs. Fun?
Instructor: Not bad!
Ralph: Fun?
Teacher: Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you lot a F!
Ralph: The before instructor yelled at me too.
Teacher: No-one's yelling, Ralph, we're but brainstorming. Lisa, whatsoever ideas?
Lisa: Oh, a proper noun with fun? Mucus, Funzo, Atilla the Fun...
Teacher: Lisa, are you doing math?!
Lisa: Just a few Venn diagrams.
Ralph: There's more under her chair!
Krusty: And so have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip-Elevation Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. And now, a word from my god, our sponsor...
Lindsay Naegle: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you lot here.
Gary Coleman: What y'all talkin' 'tour, Miss Naegle?
Lindsay Naegle: That is and so adorable! You're rehired!
Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' 'bout.

Little Big Mom [edit]

Homer: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.
Ski Instructor: [In Homer'south thoughts] If yous ever become into trouble, all you need to do is--
Flanders: (Cutting in) Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!
("Nothin' at all!" echoes several times.)
Homer: Aah! Stupid sexy Flemish region..!
Homer: I got the groceries!
Lisa: Practiced! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut staff of life?
Homer: It's the bread of astronauts.
Bart: I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...
[Lisa sends Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]
Lisa: Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!
Homer: Aww, but Lenny merely got some bottle rockets!
Lisa: You stay away from Lenny!
[the Simpsons gaze the spectacular sunset with Homer calling in the dermabrasion hut]
Homer: Aloha AIIE!!!
Aloha OHHE!!!
Until we see a AIGH!!!

Faith Off [edit]

Homer: (cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Tri-tip?
Lisa: Exercise nosotros accept any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well I recollect the veal died of loneliness.
Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad'south caput?
Blood brother Faith: Well I didn't son, yous did. God has given you the power.
Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would desire to limit my power.
Marge: Wow! He should take his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
Homer: (Slurred speech) You just know what everyone should do, don't yous, Marge?

The Mansion Family unit [edit]

[Mr. Burns is filling in a medical course.]
Mr. Burns: Allow'due south see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... nothing, nada ... naught, cypher, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my style.
[Bart is riding his bicycle through the hallways of Mr. Burns' mansion; he hits and upturns a table earlier cycling off.]
Bart: I'chiliad Al Unser Jr.!
[Lisa rides through the hallway on a horse.]
Lisa: (British accent) I'm Princess Margaret!
[A heavily drunken Homer rides through the hallway and crashes through the upturned table on a rideable lawnmower.]
Homer: (slurred) I'm DRUNK!
[The family unit is sitting at the gigantic dining room table]
Lisa: Mom! Bart'south making faces at me!! [looks through opera glasses] ...I think.
Homer: Expect HOW LOUD I Take TO YELL!!
Marge: This all seems a piffling elaborate for sloppy joes. [picks up an extra long fork] Hmm I know what the other xi forks are for, but what do you do with with this ane?
Homer: [in a posh emphasis] Why Marge, I believe y'all're supposed to scratch your ass with information technology.
Marge: Homer watch your lang- [scratches herself] Ooh! That's a life saver!
Homer: Listen, I worked long and difficult for this place, and no one'south gonna take information technology away from me! Not yous, not its rightful possessor, not anyone! (downs entire goblet of brandy) And another thing: if I eve- (passes out)
Marge: All I'm saying is, don't get too comfy. Mr. Burns volition be back tomorrow.
Homer: Marge, you're right. We do take to have a party!
Marge: Party?! No! No parties!
Homer: What almost "par-tays"?
Marge: No "part-tays", no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!
Homer: Damn! [looks at a box social invitation, featuring an epitome of him on an old-fashioned bicycle] And I looked so good on that wheel...
Carl: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...
[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others abroad from kegs of beer]
Moe: I tin't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!
Barney: Legally you could give us gratis beer. [Moe thinks for a moment, so whips him] Ow!
Lenny: Well, could you at least requite usa rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!
Md: Mr. Burns, I'chiliad agape you are the sickest human in the United States. Y'all accept everything.
Mr. Burns: You lot mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Aye.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!
Doctor: Uh, a lilliputian fleck, yes. Y'all also have thousands of diseases that have but been discovered, in you.
Mr. Burns: You're certain yous haven't just fabricated thousands of mistakes?
Homer: Wait at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics". They'll never know the uncomplicated joys of a monkey knife fight.
[Sure enough, two monkeys are fighting with knives while a cheering crowd watches]
Moe: Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! [one of the monkeys screams] Ha-ha! He ain't pretty no more!
[The pirates prepare to dump all of the party-goers overboard]
Moe: Aw, I'one thousand gonna die, and I've never fifty-fifty tasted cantaloupe!
Krusty: Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.
[The net full of party-goers is thrown overboard, just it partially floats]
Lenny: Hey, whaddya know, it floats!
Homer: That was my plan all forth! Now relax, and the currents will have the states home.
Bart: What about the people on the bottom?
Homer: They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something'due south clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.
Lisa: Ah, information technology'southward skillful to be habitation.
Homer: I don't know. Later living similar a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
Bart: It'south non so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits information technology out]
Marge: Bart, stop that. Now, we may non accept antique furniture, or priceless artwork, just we have everything we need, right here.
Homer: That's right. But because we're not rich doesn't mean that nosotros don't have... [crying] Oh, I tin't even finish! I wanna exist rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [The credits for the actors beginning to roll] And look at all these rich people here! Not every bit rich they should be, of course, merely still rich! [sobbing] Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and take lots of money! [Richard K. Chung's name is on screen] Oh, he's poor. [sobbing again] But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'one thousand taking 'em all down! [Continues crying as the credits keep rolling] Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! [The Gracie Films logo goes "Shh!"] Don't shush me, you rich bounder!

Saddlesore Galactica [edit]

Marge: Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?
Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family unit already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.
Homer: Everyone care what this guy thinks?
Oversupply: No!
Nelson: Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.
Jimbo/Kearney: Guff?!
Nelson: I mean shi-- [both dial Nelson]
Homer: Did that actually happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?
Jockey: [suddenly appears] No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! [Homer sobs]
Homer: Son, don't ask why, but y'all take to lose the big race.
Bart: You lot want me to lose the Springfield Derby? Just y'all ever taught me that winning was everything.
Homer: Oh, it is, it is. Only we've been pushing that poor equus caballus likewise hard.
Bart: Perhaps, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the remainder of his days as a stud.
Homer: Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [giggles] All correct, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.
Bart: Huh?
Homer: I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [edit]

Homer: Ooh, a bobby pin. [ducks down, letting Maude get hit by T-shirts and autumn to her death]
Ned Flanders: (gasps) Maude?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, my lord! She'due south dead!
Ned Flemish region: (gasps)
Marge: It's hard to believe that nosotros'll never see Maude again.
Ned: I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."
Homer: Now, at present, now, don't beat out yourself up. I'one thousand the i who collection her out of her seat. I'm the i who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh... but in that location's no point in playing the blame game.
Homer: I'm sure your married woman is dating a lot of people in sky!
Ned: Are you sure?
Homer: Positive! There's a lot of hot people upwards there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes--
Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a graphic symbol.
Homer: Oh, he sure was! [does a sexy growl]
Ned: Is this a dating video?
[While Homer is filming Lenny, Carl, and Moe in front end of Moe's Tavern for Ned's bachelor tape]
Homer: So if yous're tired of dating the same quondam losers!
Carl: ...What are you lot doing, Homer?
Kirk: [while during Maude's funeral] Yep, and lots of storybooks take witches.

Missionary: Impossible [edit]

TV: You're watching PBS.
Bart: You lot're watching PBS?!
Homer: Hey, I'm every bit surprised as y'all. Just I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're non having a get with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.
Bart: Cheeky!
Mr. Rogers: It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!
Oscar The Grouch: Give us the money!
Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!
[Homer has just arrived on the isle and he doesn't know what to do]'
Homer: You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!
Amy: First of all, forget everything you lot learned in Missionary school.
Homer: Washed.
Craig: We taught them some English and we ridiculed abroad well-nigh of their beliefs. Y'all tin have information technology from there.
Qtoktok: And so, are you enjoying your ox testicle?
Homer: Yeah.
Qtoktok: Are you certain y'all wouldn't rather accept a coconut? They're delicious.
Homer: Nah, I'grand good.
[Shortly after there is a small-scale earthquake]
Homer: Ahh! What was that?!
Qtoktok: We telephone call that-- (starts making gagging and choking noises) sorry, fish os in my throat. We call that, "earthquake".
Homer: Oh peachy, now my testicle'southward got ants on it!

Pygmoelian [edit]

Moe: (afterward looking at his confront in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?
Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Only like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, baldheaded, and fat? (Homer gasps)
Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)
Carl: (to the audience) See, this is why I don't talk much.
Moe: I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"
Gay Republican #1: What we need is a symbol that says, "Nosotros're gay and Republican!
(Maggie'southward pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.)
Gay Republican #two: A trivial on-the-olfactory organ, don't y'all think?
Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?
Gay Republican: We're realistic.
Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
Homer: I know what y'all mean. Our dog had that.
(during the Toss The Drunk competition at Duff Days)
Titania: Ew! (to Duffman) You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to impact the drunkard!
Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yes!
Duffman: [with a sticker covering his face up] Duffman can't exhale. Oh no!
Producer: You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to dice in a dream.
Moe: Whaa?
Producer: [holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

Bart to the Futurity [edit]

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible time to come nosotros live in!
Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"
Homer Simpson: Right, correct. Present.
[The Simpsons have a family unit meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]
Marge Simpson: And then, how was everyone'south day?
Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.
Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.
Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's aureate.
Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's merely a myth. Lincoln didn't bury whatsoever gilt in the White Firm.
Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

Days of Vino and D'oh'ses [edit]

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)
Homer: I tin't believe I institute this muscle shirt.
Bart: Dad, that'south a sports bra.
Homer: All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.
Marge: [As she walks into the kitchen] I don't retrieve the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]
Homer: Behold! I am male monarch Tocki Ticki![The Hawaiian statue breathed burn as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flemish region! Can your god do that?
Ned: Actually Homer, yous and I worship the same god, so-
Homer: Irregardless! I am your god now! [Flemish region walks abroad equally Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!
Marge: Homie, you lot tin't but reroute the gas line. Practise you know how dangerous that is?
Homer: [shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki![dropping the statue which catches on burn] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]
Kent: Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze every bit they're all existence used to motion-picture show the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.
Kent: And then, Burt, tell u.s.a. a little well-nigh "Fireball and Mudflap."
Reynolds: I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Courtroom justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cantankerous-country burn down truck race. It'due south... garbage.
Homer: Barney!
[Homer picks up the payphone]
Homer: The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?
Bart: Yous did it, Dad!
Homer: [boozer] You can't testify I did it.
Lisa: No, yous saved our lives.
Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Kill the Alligator and Run [edit]

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.
Homer: Florida? But that'south America's wang!
Doctor: They adopt, "The Sunshine State."
[The Simpsons are driving to Florida]
Lisa: Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!
Bart: Mom! Lisa's growing!
Marge: Tranquility, yous two! Yous know your male parent simply had a breakdown.
Homer: [Holding a pennant that says "Mental"] My pockets injure!
(Bart gets paid iii dollars for delivering Homer'south mail)
Bart: Hey, this isn't existent. This is printed by the Montana Militia.
Homer: (threateningly) It'll be real soon enough!
Marge: [to Homer for his deportment] This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost... no car, no money, no clean clothes... and it's all your fault!
Homer: I Honey being Married.
Homer: Arizona smells funny.
(The Simpsons are put on trial for evading the police and murdering Captain Jack the alligator)
Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. (clears pharynx and turns to the left): Drunken hicks of the jury...
(cut to a jury box filled with offended rednecks gasping. One drinks from a bottle of beer)

Last Tap Dance in Springfield [edit]

(while at Middle Caramba)
Homer: "I…8…P P?" (sees Bart writing and so turns red in anger and strangles him) Why you piddling…!
Middle Dr.: Ameliorate, or worse?
Homer: Worse!
Middle Doctor: Better, or worse?
Homer: [all the same in different vox] Much better!
(Marge and Lisa leave the theater subsequently the cease of Tango De La Muerte)
Lisa: Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!
Marge: That'southward wonderful, dear. We should enquire your father, though. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?
[cut to Homer, whose optics have crusted over from non taking his heart drops after laser surgery, in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Kearney is driving while Dolph and Jimbo are in the dorsum seat]
Kearney: [doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge] Now, Homie, when nosotros go to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.
Homer: Yep, dear.
[Dolph and Jimbo snicker from the back seat and exchange a loftier-five]
Ralph: Teacher, my shoes are making dissonance!
Vicki: You lot must be Ralph.
Ralph: My daddy shoots people!
Homer: For an evening or a calendar week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and manner, the mall has information technology all.
Police Principal Wiggum: [Upon having fix a human being sized mouse trap, wherein an anvil is attached with a rope to it.] We'll catch that mall rat.
Lou: Sure promise this Meridian kit works.
Police Principal Wiggum: Gosh, that cheese looks good. Recall I could take hold of it before that anvil hits?.
Lou: I don't know, Chief. It'southward a million to one.
Police Chief Wiggum: I like those odds! [ Grunts ] - [ Snickering ] - [ Wiggum Groaning] My error was grabbing the cheese.
Vicki Valentine: I'm pitiful but treating people similar equals when they almost clearly aren't is called what kids?
Children: Communism.
Vicki Valentine: Cocky-tapping shoes? I'1000 ever so pissed!
Marge: [despite that Lisa is not in stage anymore] Where is Lisa?
Homer: [anxiously] This plot is hard plenty to follow every bit it is.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [edit]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, bless them with lx-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!
Bart: [every bit he eats dinner] This tastes better than God's sweat!
Ice Cream Shop Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I tin can only see a horrible rainbow!

Behind the Laughter [edit]

Lisa: To prolong the run of the serial, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
[Camera cuts to Homer]
Homer: That's ridiculous! How could I even go all five necessary drops into her cereal? [interruption] What?
Homer Simpson: Why did I have such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
Marge: [Later scenes are shown from the first pilot] Okay, the material was a niggling corny, but Homer and I showed great chemical science on set.
[Camera cuts to Homer]
Homer: Every twenty-four hours, I thought nearly firing Marge. Yous know, to shake things upward.
[Rehearsal footage from shooting a Simpsons episode]
Homer: Son, let's become out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!
Bart: Cowabunga, dude!
Director: And cut!
Bart: Dad, I've never said "cowabunga" in my life! Your script sucks!
Homer: Why you little...! [starts strangling Bart]
Director: Hey, that's funny!
[Homer and Bart break for a moment, then keep with some imitation strangling, camera cuts to Homer being interviewed for the program]
Homer: And that horrible deed of child abuse became one of our virtually beloved running gags.
Lenny: Oh, yeah, Bart was throwing coin all over the place. He even paid me and Carl $ane,000 to kiss each other!
Carl: Hey, did we e'er get that money?
Announcer: The dream was over. Coming upward: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was information technology?
Announcer: The Simpsons started on a wing and a prayer, only now, the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered... past Satan.

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Source: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Simpsons/Season_11

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